


The Day Vincent Valentine Lost It

by CharlieQuinn



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 13:11:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlieQuinn/pseuds/CharlieQuinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vincent has had enough of Cid's bullshit. </p><p>Written 2006.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Day Vincent Valentine Lost It

Vincent Valentine was actually quite an easy going guy, despite the fact that he had a demon in his insides and had spent around twenty years sleeping in a coffin, in atonement for his 'sins'. Reno, in one of his drunken fits of honesty, had told Vincent that sleeping for twenty years didn't sound much like atonement at all, and actually sounded more like heaven. Especially if there was a hot guy or girl in the coffin with him. Preferably both.

But despite these setbacks in life, once Vincent had fallen in love with Cid Highwind, and they moved into Cid's house at Rocket Town, Vincent was pretty easy going, on the whole.

Oh, sure, when he first moved to Rocket Town, the locals gave him a wide berth, because the new guy living with the Captain had a robo claw and liked to wear lots of leather, and a head band, and had lots of long hair like a girl, and the citizens of Rocket Town just weren't used to this kind of person checking out the guns in the weapon shop and ordering gin and tonics at the inn. But eventually they all got used to him, and realised Vincent wasn't a freak, he just had weird fashion sense, but they supposed all that came from sleeping in a coffin for twenty years.

Vincent liked to think he was much better for Cid than Shera. After all, he could fight (and Shera couldn't), he had helped save the world that one time (and Shera hadn't), and he could make excellent cups of tea (unlike Shera) and finally, Vincent was convinced he was much better in bed.

About six months later, Vincent realised that the one thing Shera had that he didn't was the patience of a saint. And when living with Cid, the patience of a saint was very much needed.

It had begun when Cid was watching the football, and he had asked Vincent to bring a couple of beers over the couch and watch it with him. Vincent assumed this was Cid's version of bringing Vincent roses, so he sat down.

Vincent did not understand the game. At all. After about twenty minutes of persistent questioning, such as, "Cid, what's that guy doing? Why doesn't he just shoot that guy if he took the ball off him? Is there a point to this battle? Why did that guy leave the safety of the net?" and so on, Cid slowly turned to face his lover, face bright red, eyes bugging, and vein clearly pulsating in his forehead.

"Vincent," said Cid, clearly and calmly. "If you don't shut up, I will stick my Venus Gospel up your vagina."

Vincent blinked. "I don't have a vagina."

Cid grinned. "Sure you do, Vinnie," he said. "You're such a girl, you are just one giant vagina."

Vincent huffed. Burying his chin in his collar, and crossing his arms across his chest, he said, "That was very hurtful, Cid."

Cid shook his head. "Just like a vagina," he said. "Now get your bitch ass in the kitchen and make me some tea."

Unfortunately for Vincent, Cid decided that he liked the idea of Vagina Valentine, or Vincent Vagina, and decided to call him this on a full term basis. One day, when Cloud turned up at the door for his usual angst and bitch session with Vincent (Cloud talking about the fact that Reno was continually cheating on him with anything that looked at him, including that blue Chocobo they found, and Vincent angsting about the fact that his new name was Vagina, and that Lucretia never would have called him that), Cid turned from the door and yelled, "HEY, VINNIE! THERE'S A VAGINA AT THE DOOR FOR YA!"

Cloud blinked. "I'm not a vagina," he said.

Cid sighed, long sufferingly. "Fine," he said. "VINCENT, THERE'S A TESTICLE AT THE DOOR FOR YA!"

And Vincent lost it.

"JESUS CHRIST, CID!" he screamed, from the top of the stairs. "WILL YOU JUST GIVE IT A FUCKING REST!"

"Please excuse him," Cid said to Cloud. "He must have PMS."

"ARRGGHHHH!" Vincent yelled in frustration, and pulled one his pointy boots off and threw it at Cid's head.

"Hey!" yelled Cid. He grabbed his spear, and because it was so long, he was able to reach Vincent at the top of the stairs, and starting hitting him over the head with hit.

"YOU BASTARD!" Vincent cried, and his other shoe went the same way as the first.

"Calm down, Vinnie," said Cid, merely sounding annoyed.

"Oh, you want some tea, do you, Highwind?" yelled Vincent manically. "Have all the fucking tea you want!"

With that, he threw a kettle of boiling water, followed by a mug, at Cid's head.

He used the time while Cid was leaping around yelling, "It burns!" to get to the bottom of the stairs, and started hitting Cid with the butt of his pistol.

"Jesus!" Cid exclaimed.

Cloud closed the door. He'd come back tomorrow.

And when he did, he found Cid and Vincent, battered and bruised, sitting on the couch. Or, what was left of the couch. The whole house was a shambles. It looked like a strong wind might topple the whole thing over.

Vincent glared at Cid after saying hello to Cloud.

Cid cleared his throat. "Uh... I'll go make some tea," he said.


End file.
